The gap between the feeling and the doing

I started the year with the intention of slowing down and taking my time deciding what to do with my creative practice (currently my curatorial practice). I had made arrangements and come to terms with the fact that I was going to be doing less in my creative consultancy business – fewer client sessions, teaching and events – for a few months. That this was necessary to be able to think, explore and understand what I wanted to create and contribute to the world. So, why would this plan change, now?

Why does this sudden enforcement of slowing down, distancing and solitude (which felt so necessary in January) actually make me feel like I should be doing more, being busy, creating stuff and getting it out there, right now?! I feel like I’m part of a race I didn’t sign up to. I recognise these symptoms; it’s the fear of the unknown, the anxiety about so much beyond my control. My automatic response, when I’m anxious or stressed, is to do something, be useful, help, support, fix… But, this sort of action without deliberation, maybe isn’t what’s best, for me or for others.

I recently read a blog post by artist James Aldridge which articulated so much of what I’d been feeling, and starting to realise, about the importance of being present to what is happening and not rushing into acting prematurely. James talks about ideas from ‘Artful Knowing’ including the value of ‘documenting our sensory and emotional responses to a situation in order to process and reflect later on what this situation might call on us to do.’

I like this. That there can be a distance between the feeling and the doing – the space of processing and reflecting. I like reflecting, as you’ll know from all my seasonal reviews; I do believe that it’s always best to pause before moving forwards, taking stock of where we’ve been and how it felt. But here this reflection isn’t necessarily to create goals or a plan, something that we impose on the world, this gentler reflection leads us to hear the call to action, a natural and authentic response generated inside, gathered from the world we are experiencing now.

But, I say, ever impatient, how do we know what to do or when is right to act? Again, in reference to Artful Knowing, the concept of ‘suspending’ helps us out:

‘Suspending is a process of allowing non-intellectual space for wise, essential knowing to distil from complex situations, and at the same time for a rich diversity of knowing to proliferate…

Suspending then… is about connection and coming to detect, discern and pay attention to our whole body responses to experience and context.’ – Chris Seeley and Ellen Thornhill, Artful Organisation

It takes a lot for me to trust the ‘non-intellectual’ wisdom I have – my embodied knowledge – but I think paying more attention to this, how I’m feeling and responding in my being (not just in my head) could lead me to do something in a way that fits me best. Doing that feels considered, honest and purposeful.

The time that I now have in abundance – which could be consumed with activity to keep the unease at bay – might be better spent feeling and understanding. Learning who I am at the heart of things when I can no longer rely on the activities I do in the world, with other people, as a measure of my value. As Jocelyn K Glei asks on her podcast Hurry Slowly: “Who are you without the doing?” I found that question hard to comprehend, before, but I feel like I’m getting a chance to learn, now. And, in this learning about myself I’m trusting that I will know when to act, and how to act in a way that feels appropriate and meaningful.