Yesterday was the Spring equinox in the northern hemisphere, one of my favourite moments of the year. As well as providing a natural point to stop and consider aspects of balance in my world, I also feel so grateful that the light is only increasing from here, and that longer days are on the horizon. Each year, as the fingers of winter loosen their grip, I’m surprised at just how much this affects me. How palpable the extra minutes at the end of the day are, how much warmer the sunlight feels when I’m outside. It’s nothing short of a miracle each time it happens. And this year we’ve been blessed here in London with a run of sunny days, with blue skies and few clouds, tempered by sharp winds. I haven’t had to grasp at the beginning of Spring this time, it’s here.
And yet it hasn’t been the reawakening I’d been hoping for. At the beginning of each year, in darkest January, I make a promise to myself to go slowly, to allow winter to continue in me for as long as it needs and to resist the urge to plan too much or expect too much activity too soon. Because I know I will feel differently in Spring. I trust that the energy will return with the light and the spring blossom, because usually it is so. But this year it is not.
While I can see the Spring in nature and in other people, I feel out of sync. I’m not quite there yet. So many things in my own world, in the wider world, are weighing me down and compounding the ill health I still experience as I navigate almost 2 years of long covid. Predicting my own seasons, and hoping they will align with the seasons of nature, is becoming harder to do.
I am so frequently reminded of something Sasha, from Frank+Feel, wrote in an Instagram post months ago – to ‘surrender to the season you’re in’. It can be interpreted in different ways, but for me I see it as a reminder to acknowledge the internal seasons we go through, that aren’t linear, that don’t match up to external rhythms in nature. To notice and respond to how we feel right now, rather than how we expect to feel because it’s a particular date on the calendar.
I feel this grief often, when it’s the height of summer and I feel depleted and lacklustre, the expectation of how I ‘should’ feel weighing on me. I feel the ‘good’ seasons of spring and summer slip away from me while I am still stuck in a long winter and I feel wretched for the loss of time, of light, of energy. I carry with me plans and ambitions, which translate into guilt about what I ‘should’ be doing now that the seasons are more energetic. I watch other people fired up by this new phase of journeying around the sun and feel that small pang of envy, I feel ‘behind.’
This year I have different hopes for the seasons of light and warmth. To accept myself within them and to enjoy as much of them as I can, without ignoring what I most need in those moments or pushing past my own limits. This intention extends to my creative work as well as to my physical and mental health. As spring begins for most of us now, I recognise how this raises in me expectations or obligations and I try to challenge that in myself. It’s an uneasy process noticing the ways I’ve internalised ideas of busy-ness and how they reflect on my self-worth. What helps me the most is an ongoing practice of reflection, mostly through writing or journaling, to pick up on these things as they come around, to interrogate them and to understand what role they play, how they might be designed to keep me safe, and how they might not be as helpful as they think.
I used to rely on a writing practice based on Julia Cameron’s morning pages, but learnt the hard way that this mostly created more anxiety in me as the free-writing ended up being a lot of negative moaning rather than curious investigation. Nowadays I like to write based on prompts from others, either directly as part of a workshop or resource, or in response to things people talk about in their newsletters or Instagram posts. If working through your inner landscape on the page sounds like something you’d like to do, I share my favourite places to get inspired below.
Whatever season you’re in right now, whether it’s Spring or not, I do hope you can find ways to support what you need most in yourself and in your creative practice.
Writing & Journalling resources
FRANK+FEEL
On Sasha’s website (which seems to have had a beautiful refresh recently) it says “Exploring worlds with words” which I absolutely love. There are lots of ways to engage with the work Sasha does through Frank+Feel, whether you prefer to go about exploring your inner landscape through a podcast, with journalling prompts or live workshops. Definitely give her a follow on Instagram.
WRITE & SHINE
In the before times I went to a few early morning writing events hosted by Gemma at Write & Shine and really enjoyed giving myself space to write before the day had begun properly. Now they host their seasonal programme of workshops and retreats vitually which makes it even easier to get yourself out of bed! You can sign up for individual events or buy a seasonal membership, they also have an online library of self-directed courses, which are perfect if the early starts are not an option for you.
INVICTA WRITERS
Adanna from Invicta Writers is a coach, writer and women’s wellness adovocate. Her mission is “to help you release narratives that keep you exhausted, frustrated and unfulfilled, so you can embrace your true voice, write your own story and live life fully, freely and on your own terms.” I signed up for her newsletter (Nourish Notes) a while back and have found her regular writing prompts so useful for focusing on topics that I might not ordinarily write about. She also runs The Write Space, where you can use theraputic writing to support your wellbeing in a group environment.
INNER FIELD TRIP
I’ve been a member of Leesa Renee Hall’s Inner Field Trip community for a couple of years now. Helping “highly sensitive people and deep feelers explore unconscious biases so they protect their energy, be on the side of justice and become better ancestors”. Her approach works really well for me as an introvert who likes to work things out internally, but I also get a lot out of knowing that I’m in community with others who feel similarly. Depending on your preference for group things, there’s a Discord server alongside the regular prompts via email/Patreon, a great podcast and a handy Card deck for indepth solo journalling.