I didn’t send out a newsletter in April as I was ill. Although I’m on the mend now, I’ve been putting off writing anything because I just didn’t know what to say, or I felt that I had too much to say (like this week when the anger at our government is overwhelming) and felt uncomfortable venting all of that onto you. I have been struggling to know whether talking about work, trying to carry on with what I do normally, is acceptable in a time of so much distress and suffering, but I don’t really know what else to do. The desire to connect is still strong, and this has been playing on my mind, so I’m here, in whatever messy form that is, offering what I can at this time and knowing that it’s probably woefully inadequate.
My experience of lockdown has mostly been dealing with being very unwell rather than learning to adapt to a new reality. For the first couple of weeks I felt fine; as a self-employed freelancer, who works from home most of the time, my days didn’t look or feel much different from those parts of the year when I don’t have a lot of work on. My partner is a hospital doctor and he was going to work as usual so I didn’t have much adjusting to do in a practical way.
But as things started to get scary at the hospital, and my partner’s colleagues got sick, my worst fears about his safety, which I barely contain at the best of times, started to go haywire and I found myself controlled by anxiety. When we both felt ill at the same time, and experienced symptoms that were common with the virus, my anxiety was at its peak and I was hyper-vigilant about how we were feeling in every moment. Luckily neither of us experienced extreme symptoms and my partner recovered quickly and was back to work in 2 weeks.
But for me the illness dragged on. After 2 or 3 weeks of flu-like symptoms it evolved and I felt tired and achey all over, all the time. The tiniest increase in activity left me exhausted. I had to stop everything. Ordinary things I would usually do when unwell – reading, knitting, watching interesting films or tv programmes – these were all impossible. I was left with the reality of doing nothing, perhaps the biggest challenge for someone like me who unfortunately ties their value and self-worth to the activities they do for others.
Now, 6 weeks since we first got ill, I am only just feeling close to normal. My energy is returning and I find I can concentrate for longer periods. I had to learn to go slow and listen to what my body was telling me (so difficult) and as soon as I felt I got the hang of it, my mind started leaping ahead, getting caught up in that old treadmill of productivity and ‘should be doing’ thoughts. As I returned to work and started engaging with social media again, this just fed into my feelings of not doing enough (translation: not being good enough) even though I wasn’t feeling up to doing that much.
What is happening in the world at the moment is impossible to quantify in words or emotions where all the words apply and all the emotions are valid. It seems like I experience everything all the time and it’s overwhelming. I can’t presume to know the effects this has had on all of you, with your own unique situation at home and in your practice, and that makes trying to offer anything useful seem futile.
When it comes to my work I am always looking to support people in whatever it is they want to do in their practice. It’s a client-led approach which has always felt right for me, less about me telling you what you should do and more responding to what you say you need.
What is weird about lockdown is how I seem to have forgotten this. My knee-jerk reaction to all this has been ‘I need to help’. I’ve felt that I should be doing more, being useful, making a difference. I’ve bought into the advice that says I should adapt quickly, pivot my business, change my offering, take it all online etc. I have felt bad for not coming up with amazing resources or courses that promise to change things, to help you learn new skills in this new landscape, to offer opportunities for self-improvement or professional development.
But this is all wrong for me. I don’t like working that way, and I know this. It’s never up to me what anyone does in their practice, it’s only up to me to listen and respond. I have advice if you ask for it, but I never expect you to act on it unless you want to. I may suggest ways of working or things you could try, but it’s up to you to decide which feel like they’d work for you. I trust that you know what is best for you and your practice and I want to honour that.
This time away from work, while I’ve been unwell and unable to do much, has helped me realise that the doing, the action, the busyness often gets in the way. The need to be seen to do things distracts from the underlying desire to be there for other people in a meaningful way. So, my decision has been to let go for a while. I’m not going to rush to put together new resources, I’m not going to be running courses. I’m just going to be here for anyone who needs it. I offer a space for you to talk about anything you need, and to be heard. A space for advice, guidance, planning – if that’s what you need right now. A space for empathy, openness, allowing things to just be – if that’s what works for you right now.